I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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