I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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