The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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