dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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