I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
