i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
