Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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