My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have feelings that need drinking.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
