I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
