I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
