I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
