Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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