Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
