Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
