Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
