Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
pray to the hookup gods
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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