you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
