Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
