how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
