How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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