I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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