guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
