My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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