I hate your face
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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