Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
