I'm really into asian looking animals
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
