People with herpes should wear stickers.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
