my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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