I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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