I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
