There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
