I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
