Everything about him screamed your future.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
