The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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