Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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