Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
