She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
