I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
