I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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