We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
