grandma shit on top of the toilet
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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