I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I would fuck him just for his dog
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
