how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
