Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
