Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
