mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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