This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
