life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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