So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
