OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
