i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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