Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
