I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Whod you bang
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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